so how are things going anyway. the world's a weird place, let's say. we're reading the scarlet letter in english class, really amazing book. i associate so much of it into my own life, god it makes it so much more moving that way, and in truth everyone can relate to it, though some may not be as willing to admit to it as others. it's not a "change your life" book but a "deep in your heart" book. i don't really think a book should change your life anyway, just shed some light into your life and leave you with the mind to change it or perhaps make more out of it. The Catcher in the Rye...is my world. J.D Salinger is the kind of guy you think you're friends with, where you can just call him up on the phone and just talk to him when you read his book. The kind of author Holden refers to in the novel. Sometimes I wish I knew him, Holden I mean, and salinger too, like not just as these deep parts of my heart but as people, who i could just..talk to. It brings out the reality within you so much that its surreal to your eyes when you first read it. I've read it about 6 times. So, my life right now? Well, I'd say right about now, in this instance of my life..if anything is an instance...I can't really describe. I'm so in love I feel like thats all i know but thats not true, I've come to realize he'll always be in my heart no matter what, for a million reasons, and maybe it's okay that I'm not in there for him, because he is for me. I hold onto emotions and people, because when you feel something so strong you never want to lose it, and oh god an american beauty quote is coming on. LOOK AT THIS CRAZINESS. I'm the most insane person in the world, and so I'm putting on American Beauty just so i can fulfill my cliche desrires.

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst......and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...you have no idea what i'm talking about i'm sure..but don't worry...you will one day."

That really helps me to smooth things out, sometimes I get filled with such a strong emotion, im just bursting and shaking it's like I'm high but it's so much more beautiful because I have no assistance, and god, I regret the times I can't see the beauty on my own, the times where i need help with it. Everything is amazing..I have made so many mistakes in my life, I'm sometimes convinced there is no one as terrible as me in the world, I can't live with myself, I see everything slowing down, and fading away in slow motion, sand slipping through my fingers upon a beach. Beauty is too much to hold onto, time defeats it in so many ways. Sometimes it feels good to be happy like I am now, well of course it feels good but later on I mean, when I'm walking through the halls, it's my own little secret, my specialness, I have felt the way so many people have felt before me, and yet it's mine and my own. something that is truly mine...the possession of an emotion, haha god I'm shaking. I often shake if I'm extremely happy or extremely sad, it could have a relation to how people get all shakey when they have an orgasm, because it's the ultimate of an emotion. I'm not saying I'm having an orgasm..dude hahahahaha that'd be on random post. Hey guess what guys, I;m having an orgasm, see you later. No no, sorry, you guys, I'll have to seduce you some other time. I'm all flitty. The other day I was just jumping around and smiling, over the littlest thing too, because sometimes these really small things just hit me and I can't stop being happy. I've got this really low self-esteem thing, or so Ms.Fischer and some other close friends of mine say, and so i think I'm this terrible person and I can become self-defeating at times, so I'm really scared that like even though I'm constantly trying to be a good person I'm scared of this like darkness inside of me, because whenever I get sad I end up getting really depressed because of all the different things in my life, but then..something happened..which i wont say..and it was like..wow..and I'm so, I dont know. I'm a goddess, ok? A goddess! haha, i'm only joking. I AM A GOLDEN GOD..no thats not good enough I'M ON DRUGS! WHOOO! almost famous...amazing movie..anyway I guess it's like, if we dont identify our probems we can't fix them but if we blaim all our problems completely on ourselves and cant forgive ourselves, then that causes a whole NEW set of problems. WHOOHOO IRONY, YESSSSSSSSSS. so there you go, my words of wisdom for today, haha, silly children. we're all so silly. that's why i'm in such a deep love, because I'm silly. and it's like, when you feel this way, when you're really happy, people will ask if something amazing happened, but it's like WHAT DIDN'T HAPPEN????

(cough, stephanie)

It's shocking...at these times...when you just start thinking about everyone and who they are as people just everything about them...everything they do, everything thats happened to them....trying to figure out how they came to be this way and what they think of themselves through their actions towards others...trying to connect with and at the same time understand all of these people, and all of a sudden you realize...you don't remember who you are..I'm so scared...I doubt everything I do, I say, and have done...It's just that...I'm going throug another mid-life crisis...I feel like it all has no meaning, and I haven't given enough to help people out...I came up with another philosophical question like my other one: Have you ever been in a room with a group of people you thought you knew and thought that they knew you, and felt like you were in a room full of strangers? But the new one is: Have you ever looked into a mirror, but all that showed up was your shadow? I've been thinking about why all of these historic figures have all of these groundbreaking thoughts, and when they work so hard to help so many people, it's as if they're spitting against the wind, it's easy to hate well defined individuals, and  so once again I am the common enemy. All these people that I like and care about, and some people that I just respect as human beings, all hate me, for all different reasons, and none reflect who i am as a person...and with all these people not knowing who i am it suddenly becomes apparent that they are not alone in asking WHO AM I? I think about how much Tori means to me, how when i talk to her, she doesn"t need to do anything and i am comforted...just because it's her, just because she's herself. i don"t even know if she feels the same way but I feel strongly connected with her. She's my bestfriend, even though I feel as though I haven't seen her or spoken with her in so long...Diane is such a good person as well, I talk to her sometimes after track because we're both injured and stuff, and I think she's a good friend, she's really mature and understanding, but I don't think she is aware of how good a person she is. But it's some of these other people, these people who continuously act in a bad way...They're so controlling and maniuplative, but I still care about them, I know that they're human and they're my friends so no matter how hard I want to, I can't get mad at them, my trust in them is gradually diminishing but everytime we have what I think to be a heart felt conversation with them, when really it is all just turning ot to be a part of their game, all of the trust rises back up again. God, it hurts so bad to see them this way, I care for them so much...and yet while they won't learn from their mistakes I don't learn to stop forgiving them for being so irrational and immature. And these other people...the horrible things they say to me...I can't even write about it, I thought it didn't effect me because I'm not upset by it, but obviously it effects me if I'm going through this whole mid-life crisis thing. I feel like I just want to be held...lie in somebody's arms and just stay there...but the guy who i loved on and off for so long turns out to be just another chess playing sheep. (analogy...don't ask) But I'm still holding on very well, both hands on the handle bars, no matter how many times my parents step on my fingers, I will not let go. But..I don't know, I'm glad with each experience like this that I am developing as a person, god its like, its times like these when I hate myself that I love life more then ever because I feel so honored to actually be able to be experiencing these emotions..of course there is the consequential and typical Kelly feeling, that how unfaitr it is that I get to feel so happy in a time where other people out there in the world are experiencing so much pain...but I don't know, when I first started writing here, I was sad and confused, but now I feel completely uplifted and I can't stop thinking about how great the world is and how beautiful of people my friends are, no, as of now I don't know who I am...My reflection is just another shadow, but that's why my life is here, and life is a gift, none better, with all its miseries and all its amazing moments it will help me to figure out who I am...and this feels so good...

Alright for independent reading in our English class we're reading this book called the Joy Luck Club, and I'm absolutely in love with it. It's beautiful writing and just has these really really powerful stories, and wow I wish I could explain how meaningful to me some of the stories in here are, and what makes them so meaningful, but all of you would hate me for making such a long post, and plus it would take days to write it. It's about 4 mothers and 4 girls but don't let that turn you off, it's not what you think. When I found out that was the characters in the story I really didn't want to read the story, it seemed like it would be corny and somewhat sappy and I'm just not into family relationship type things, maybe it's because I have such a horrible relationship with my mother, but it's not liek that at all...It's abotu who they are as people, and it shows the mothers how they are when they're young and then how they are as mother's and it's just extremely interesting...It also shows the daughters when they are young and older and such and well, I don't want to say too much and I don't want to turn anyone off the book with a bad explanation of it, but, really and truly, if you read this book, you will experience the strongest of emotions and remember it...just for the rest of your life...It's just so powerful. There's also this small segment from the book that I wanted to put in because I am so moved by it and feel like I, just like so many other people in this world, can relate to it. It won't give away anything of the story, so don't worry, there are four sections of the book and before each section there is a short little story which is the segment I am abotu to write out for you.

"O! Hwai dunsyi"-You bad little thing- said the woman, teasing her baby granddaughter . "Is Buddha teaching you to laugh for no reason?" As the baby continued to gurgle, the woman felt a deep wish stirring in her heart.

"Even if I could live forever," She said to the baby, "I still don't know which way I would teach you. I was once so free and innocent. I laughed too for no reason.

"But later I threw away my foolish innocence to protect myself. And then I taught my daughter, your mother, to shed her innocence so she would not be hurt as well.

"Hwai dungsyi, was this kind of thinking wrong? If I now recognize evil in other people, is it not because I have become evil too? If I see someone has a suspicious nose, have I not smelled the same bad things?"

The baby laughed, listening to her grandmother's laments.

"O! O! You say you are laughing because you have already lived forver, over and over again? You say you are Syi Wang My, Queen Mother of the Western Skies, now back to give me the answer! Good, good, I am listening....

"Thankyou, Little Queen. Then you must teach my daughter this same lesson. How to lose your innocence but not your hope. How to laugh forever."

Sorry about making you read all that, it's just...I don't know...I've often thought about that, not the story literally, but it's theme, and just...I don't really know how to explain it, or what it was about this story but when I read it I just got that amazing feeling of ecstasy I'll get when I listen to the Smashing Pumpkins sometimes...That feeling as if you're in love and in this just amazing pure state when you're not really thinking at all, but feeling, and just...knowing...and it truly is amazing, and I guess the reason I wrote that segment out for all of you, is I hope that all of you can experience that feeling as well, because it is just amazing and I refuse to be selfish about such a pure thing...I know I'm being repetitive and I apologize for that..but right now I wish I could just go on forever feeling this way and go on forever writing about it, because I love writing but I don't think that at this time I am being the most eloquent of people...It's just that, I feel words fail emotions...they will never be able to truly express how somebody feels because emotions are just so powerful and I wish I could just touch every single one of you and have you feel how I feel right now, I wish it so bad, but I know that is not possible, and so the only way you can understand how I am feeling is through my words, and though I doubt it will be enough, It is definitely worth the try.